The Funniest Mental Illness to Have!

So let's start this one out nice and good, because it might get a little ugly! From the start of all of this, this is more or less just an exercise for myself, not really to draw attention or even Get attention from it. Now that we got that cleared up, let's rip open my head and see what's inside, shall we!?

This goes without saying that I don't believe anyone can have a 'normal' life, things just stop us from being able to live out in peace. Some people have weak, frail bodies prone to illness or whatnot, me? I have a sick brain and a fragile mind as a result. Physically I've never really had much wrong with me, aside from asthma that has now regressed into athletic asthma and allergies that seemed to no longer be a factor, physically I feel great.

My mind is my constant enemy, something I have to fight against on a daily basis. Some days it wins, I go into a depressive slump and can't seem to shake it, some days I win and I feel pretty much normal, but what makes everything tick? Well my friends, for one that was a lame tourettes joke, and for two I have tourettes, perhaps the funniest mental illness to say you have and one of the most awkward ones To have. Now let's break Tourette Syndrome apart, basically there are physical and mental aspects to it, the physical aspect being the noticeable ticks, best example is the involuntary screaming of swears (that in all actuality, only a very small amount of people actually have) that is caused by a electrical misfire in the brain. There seems to be na added button in your brain when you have this, the normal button, the Oh Shit button, then the DO SOMETHING EMBARRASSING OR STUPID button, normally the latter is pressed with much frequency. My own ticks are as followed, I click my throat over and over again, I blink an excessive amount of times (normally in pairs of two, but we'll get to that later) I do this weirdass arm stretch since I'm double jointed, I kind of like dislocate my shoulder and it feels good, I don't know how else to describe it honestly, I also bend my neck to the side of my head all the time as well, super annoying and has kept me from wanting to get my drivers license, although I do plan to get that soon as ticks get better with age.'

Now the last tick is the most extreme tick, one that only happens when I am under extreme stress, this is where my hand dives into my pants and caresses my junk. I haven't a clue why I do this, but after some reading I basically do it because I know it's not okay but my brain makes it okay to do, or something along those lines, it's odd but the most extreme ticks are the ones you know are socially unacceptable. I actually got in trouble in school once when this happened, had a very uncomfortable conversation with the principal about this one, but because I basically cause no trouble and the administration loves me (and I wasn't diagnosed at this time) they believed me when I said I wasn't playing with myself. Which is a half truth, not that I was intentionally doing it mind you, nine times out fo ten when a tick like this is happening I am not conciously aware of what I am doing, my body is literally doing it on it's own. Which is something I should underline. People with tourettes don't really know what the fuck they are doing most of the time, ticks just happen and we have to let them, if we conciously try to stop them it just.... doesn't work, when I try to conciously suppress my ticks I feel... wrong, is the best way to describe it. I don't feel okay, something is off and I know what it is, then once I let the tick happen a surge of relief comes over me.

Now I think that pretty much describes the physical ticks in a nutshell, although I can always give a more personal detail one on one if there are questions, which are great, I fucking love questions. There is a horrible stigma with mental illnesses, questions are ways for everyone on the outside to just understand more clearly what's going on and why. I mean, I'm still a human being, but I do twitch a lot more than I should! However, if it were only the physical aspects then I wouldn't have much of a hard time with it. Unfortunately, there are mental aspects as well, namely four things balled up into a nice little cocktail of fuck you.

ADHD, OCD, Depression and Anxiety are all a packaged deal with Tourette Syndrome, or rather called TS+, for me the ADHD and OCD aren't really a problem, the OCD makes me do things in pairs sometimes where I need to count things out in even numbers when I am doing it or it drives me insane. The ADHD is manageable, I can focus just fine but don';t expect eye contact all the time. The depression is a new problem, this is something I don't have many tools to deal with and I've pretty much been depressed since I dropped out of college, something I consider one of my biggest personal failures and maybe one of my only real regrets. Depression is what killed my original drive of writing and it's something I've dedicated myself to fight against, I could also say it killed some of my personal relationships as well, perhaps it's appointing blame else where but as long as I have a point to attack, I will.

Then there's Anxiety, my old friend, the thing that made me suicidal once upon a time. All of those spontaneous panic attacks, one lasting for over twenty-four hours, oh how I do not miss this at all. Not to say it went away completely, but I've spent years learning new coping mechanisms and went from one medication to another to curb it. Finally, it's been neutralized where it's no longer a major factor in my life. Scars remain, but like the one on my neck or the tattoos on my body, it's there for a reason, a sign of victory. I didn't let it win, although depression is trying to make ground, overcoming this giant obstacle will help me leap over this one as well. In time, of course, everything takes time.

I'd also like to put a small little mention in here as well, seeing a therapist or a psychiatrist isn't a bad thing. Nothing should ever make you feel it's not okay and there are laws in place protecting you as well. It's never a bad thing to have someone whose trained to listen to you just hear you out, maybe on a monthly basis. Unloading all of those feelings and concerns can be liberating to someone who can only ever talk about it if it endangers yourself or others. It's one of those rare moments where you're free from any judgment, then comes the next part, the medication part. Sometimes, your brain just doesn't fucking work, it's an organ and can get sick. It sucks, depression, anexity, you know damn well when it's become an actual problem and not just a passing situational thing.

Medication is scary, I know it is and I fought with it for years before I finally realised, you know what I don't want to feel this way anymore. I pretty much depend on this shit in order to feel, like literally feel anything that isn't pure terror. A lot of people can get to a point where they no longer need it, afterall medication is a way to curb the symptoms but it doesn't fully get rid of it. Unfortanately, I don't think I am one of those people as I have tried before, I felt fine for a year and then it all crashed on me at once. I really don't like being at the mercy of a pill everyday, but it's allowed me to actually live, to think and to feel without interruption, unfortanately one of those damn medications is causing my depression to get worse, so that's being taken care of. It's a hassle finding the one that works for you, but once you find it you just feel fine. Now I know there might be fear of substance abuse, just be careful, communicate with your doctor and make a plan that works for you, no ones going to abuse a pill like prozac, but they will with a muscle relaxer like Klonipin. Stress how you don't want to be on a controlled substance for this fear and they'll understand. A good doctor won't force medication on you either, I haven't had a single one do it for me, before or after my diagnoses, it's all been pretty careful, "try this and call me if there's any problems" careful.

Hopefully this helps some, helps to just write it out, in the future I'll probably focus more on the aniexty or depression and just kind of vent it out over this, but if you're reading and you can relate to something, well now you know you're not alone. Remember, if it has a name, you can beat it.

Life Up Until This Point

Time to make the five year come back from the most depressive spiral I am still currently entrenched in that I've ever experienced, so let's get this show on the road!'

The purpose of this blog is to mainly use it as a sort of personal journal, documenting some of my days with events I find of note, on this platform I do believe I am able to interact with people as well, but the main purpose of keeping a journal are experiences to draw on for my own personal work. In time I'll learn more about general formatting, and I swear I'll have note worthy stories to tell from time to time, as I work in the Hospitality Industry, people are a continuous source of entertainment, stories, and of course stress.

I am excited though, do not get me wrong, I still don't believe myself to be in tip top shape and aim to constantly improve over time. One of the most important pieces of news I have had just today, which is evident in one of my own facebook posts, is that a medication I have been on for over five years actually causes depression. How about that shit, three doctors later and I finally find this out. In the words of my dad, 'It's called a Practise for a reason', I'm inclined to believe some, but to think this could be inhibiting myself to putting myself up to my full potential... Well, kind of infuriates me. However, like all things, finding out the root of the problem is better than not knowing at all. Once something has a name, it can be beat, remember that even gods bleed.

Think that's about it for this post, next one I construct I might as well go into something I feel particularly passionate about, explore more of the mental illness and the stigma of living with one.